


Read This When I'm Gone

by lilleiaorgana



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 21:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19934923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilleiaorgana/pseuds/lilleiaorgana
Summary: Carol Danvers promised Natasha one thing: Give Kate the letter after everything.





	Read This When I'm Gone

Kate, 

There are so many things I wish I would've told you. There are so many times that I wish I would've sat you down and just told you everything about me so you never looked at me with those big eyes wondering who I was. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe you don't really care about who I was before you. In truth, I wasn't much before Shield and I wasn't complete until I met you. In the red room, we were told to let go of such soft feelings. Feelings of maternal urges and sisterly thoughts were beat out of us, or so they thought. 

Before you there was Yelena. Yelena was a widow, like me. Raised to fight, to kill, to seduce and destroy for gain of... whoever we were working for at the time. She was just as good as me and sometimes she was better. We fought and nearly killed each other on a daily basis to the point where it was easier to bruise each other than have a normal conversation. I never knew her favorite color, I never knew what kind of music she liked to listen to when we were allowed to listen to music. I only knew that she liked knives and that she liked to box without gloves because she wanted the feel the raw leather against her knuckles and train her fists to get used to the pain. There was a time that when I looked at you, I saw Yelena despite her blonde hair and softer features. I saw her in you because I felt the need to protect her, for her to love me and care for me. I needed someone and at that time, I wanted it to be her. It was always you. It's always been you, Kate. 

I know you're mad at me, that I kept you so close these past five years only to send you away in the thick of it all. That I've put you through the hell of helping me find Clint while I aimlessly tried to find a resolution to this mess. I couldn't have done it without you. Yes, I had Carol and Rhodey, Okoye, Rocket and Nebula, and Steve. If we were lucky, we'd have Val. I wish I would've gone with you to Tony and Pepper's so I could've met Morgan. So I could've seen you happy again, the joy of being a sister again on your face and how Tony must've looked at you. I know you're mad at me, knowing that I knew what I was going to do but I'm begging you. Don't be mad at Clint. Sure, be mad that he went AWOL for five years. Be mad that he never reached out to us, left you alone to mourn the family he tried to bring you into. Be mad. Don't let him get away with it. But don't blame him for what I did. I had to find him and bring him along so that it wasn't you. 

Nebula told me that her sister was thrown off a cliff as a sacrifice to get the Soul stone by Thanos and then she told me Vormir was the planet the stone was located on. I put it together quickly. I knew before then one of us was going to die, but I'm sorry for your sake that it was me. I'm writing this knowing that the only you'll read this is in the case that it does happen and I am dead but that Clint's family is back, that Wanda is there for you, that you can see Bucky make that stupid joke about his new arm, that you can arm wrestle with Sam and most of all, look after that kid. I know Tony had asked you to years ago, back before this all happened and he was just the kid from the airport in Berlin. Now that you and Tony worked it out, be nice to the kid. He needs you more than anything, you're the only one who knows how to do what he is doing. Maybe you don't have superpowers, but the kid made a Star Wars reference and he needs some coaching on being a cool teenager before he transitions into cool, well adjusted adult. And you might read that and roll your eyes because you think that you're a mess but I think that with everything that's happened to you from being around Clint for so long and Hydra... you're pretty damn adjusted. 

I've had my fair share of near death experiences since getting this job, since meeting you. Every time I've nearly died, I've thought about what you'd do but now that I know this is a fact, I've decided to go against everything because you'll just do it anyway. So I want to give you a clear path. 

  1. Find Yelena. Tell her I'm dead. Tell her that I loved her and tried to save her. She'll fight you and you'll get hurt, but you won't go down easy. You two have family similar fighting styles and you're not shy about losing teeth. 
  2. Kill Madam Masque. I know you can do it. 
  3. Finish off Hydra with Bucky. Fall in love. I'm dead, don't let me or him harboring soft feelings over what we had in the red room stop you. 
  4. Kill every handler that's still running the red room. 
  5. Take every girl and rehabilitate them. You're the only one that can do this, you have the means and the genuine desire to help them. 
  6. Don't do all of this as Hawkeye. You have permission to wear a suit of mine and use my weapons. Everyone will think it's Yelena anyway, unless you want them to know. Which is theatrical and terrifying for your reputation, but you're also the seventeen year old who found and helped rehabilitate the winter soldier... so honestly, do what feels good. 
  7. Do these in any order that feels right. 
  8. Be Nice to Clint. 
  9. Be nice to Steve too. 



The only people that know about this are Okoye and Carol. I knew I could trust them without them interfering. Don't be mad at Carol, she wanted you to see Teddy again and to be in space helping those who need it like you did on Earth. If Okoye offers you to stay in Wakanda for a bit, take her up on that offer. It's only colonization if you and Bucky have a child there and I can't tell you to not do it, but please never have a child with someone 80 years younger than you. Especially him. Maybe Steve though, just because I know you'd give him hell and the drama between the three of you would feed Sam for years. 

Most of all, while I'm gone, I want to imagine you happy. I want you and Wanda to live somewhere together and explore and do cool things and live like normal twenty somethings. You'll be the same age now. I want you guys to go to farm at least once a month and get that family experience, make sure Clint is homebound and happy. I want you to plant things and grow them and take care of them without magic. I want you to be so happy you forget about all the bad that ever happened, but I want you to remember the pain and suffering so that the happiness feels so good it's a different form of oxygen. I want you to remember all the fun we ever had and tell people about those times. I want you to have fun with other people the way you had fun with me. Dye someone's hair and laugh when it turns out bad, eat liver and throw up in the street and then laugh about it days later when you've recovered. 

Please please please please take care of yourself, Hawkeye. Don't be too sad for too long. I know you hate martyrs and I know you think you don't have any family, but I promise you that you do and they're back because I did this. I want you to love them the way you love me. Forgive me and forgive Clint. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone. Just know that I love you. Know that everything the red room did to me failed because you and Wanda managed to make me feel the exact way I never should've been able to feel. 

Shoot straight and wipe the red from my ledger, only you can do it. 


End file.
